I hear it all the time, “I know I shouldn’t be feeling…”. People tell me that they “shouldn’t” be feeling a certain way or that they feel guilty or stupid for being sad, angry, upset, or any number of difficult emotions. We need to throw that mindset out the window.

Going through fertility treatment comes with a lot of highs and lows. While it can be easy to embrace the highs, it can be uncomfortable and scary to feel the lows. It’s normal to want to avoid painful feelings! Not only does it feel bad, but we are taught to put a positive spin on things. To ‘chin up,’ or ‘put on a brave face,’ – that whole boys don’t cry vibe. That our feelings aren’t always valid, important, or acceptable.

The truth is that the shame around your feelings is going to compound and make them feel even less tolerable than they already are. It’s so tempting to push down all your feelings to make them go away, but this ultimately will have the opposite effect. 

So what can you do about it? You can feel your feelings!

Why do I need to feel ALL my feelings?

• Ignoring feelings can often come out in other ways, like feeling irritable, exploding at something trivial, feeling physical symptoms of stress, or feeling numb. 
• Dulling your negative emotions will dull the positive ones, too 
• Emotions help us make decisions. What you feel and the subsequent feelings that come from those emotions give important signals about what we need and how we might react to situations 
• It helps you connect with others when you are able to share authentically what you are going through

Ok, so how do I feel my feelings?

Sit and acknowledge your feelings. Identifying, reflecting, and ultimately expressing how you feel is an important part of healing, moving through stressful experiences, and showing yourself self-compassion and self-care.

Exercise 1: Name your feelings

This can be harder than it seems, especially if you’d been avoiding or suppressing them. A tool I often give my clients is the feelings wheel at the bottom of this post, which can help find the right name. Naming a feeling can help make it feel less scary and easier to understand. 

Exercise 2: Recognize there is time stamp

Can you say, for example, “I feel sad” instead of “I am sad” because you are not inherently a sad person, you are someone who is experiencing sadness. 

Exercise 3: Rest with your feelings for a couple of minutes

Notice what you’re feeling in your body and what thoughts come up without judgement. What does it feel like to ride the wave of your emotions and let it ebb and flow?

Exercise 4: Find a form of expression

Any form of expression is helpful. Make sure you find something that works for you – whether it’s writing or dancing or singing or talking.

All of this takes practice. The more frequently you can name, sit with, and express your feelings, the easier it will become. Feeling your feelings allows you to move through them and ultimately will make them easier to tolerate. Remember, there are no bad emotions. Whatever you are feeling is OK!

Elisa Gores, Twig’s in-house Reproductive Counsellor, is a Registered Social Worker with the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers (OCSWSSW). Elisa is also a trained relationship and sex therapist. If you would like to meet with her to discuss any of these issues, you can book a counselling session here.