Why you need to feel your feelings

Going through fertility treatment often comes with a lot of highs and lows.

While it can be easier to embrace the highs, it can be more uncomfortable, scary, and painful to feel the lows. It's normal and understandable to want to avoid painful feelings. Not only does it feel bad, but we're also not socialized to express many feelings, especially negative ones. We are taught to put a positive spin on things, to 'chin up,' that 'boys don't cry', and that our feelings aren't always valid, important, or acceptable.

So many people tell me that they "shouldn't" be feeling a certain way or that they feel guilty or stupid for being sad, angry, upset, grieved, or scared. The shame around your feelings is only going to compound them and make them feel even less tolerable than they already do. And while it's tempting to push down all your feelings to make them go away, this ultimately will have the opposite effect as feelings usually find some way to express themselves. Often, the most effective way to alleviate your feelings is to recognize them, name them, and allow yourself to feel your way through them.

Why Do I Need to Feel All My Feelings?

• If you don't acknowledge and let yourself feel your feelings, they're going to come out in other ways, like feeling irritable, exploding at something trivial, being extra hard on yourself, finding it hard to sleep, feeling physical symptoms of stress, or feeling numb.
• Trying to dull your negative emotions and feelings will dull the positive ones, too.
• Acknowledging and sitting with your feelings helps you feel less stuck, lessens their impact, and helps you cope
• Emotions help us make decisions. The primary emotions you feel and the subsequent feelings that come from those emotions give important signals about what we need and how we might react to situations.
• It helps you connect with others when you are able to share authentically what you are going through. Connecting with others is an important way to relieve stress.

Ok, So How Do I Feel My Feelings?

So, when I say you need to feel your feelings, what does that even mean? Identifying, sitting with, and ultimately expressing your feelings is an important part of healing from pain, moving through stressful experiences, and showing yourself self-compassion and self-care. There are no bad emotions and you have every right to feel whatever it is that you're feeling.

• First, can you name your feelings? This can be harder than it seems, especially if you'd been avoiding or suppressing them. You can use the feelings wheel at the bottom of this post to help find the right name. Naming a feeling can help make it feel less scary and easier to understand.
• Can you say, for example, "I feel sad" instead of "I am sad" because you are not inherently a sad person, you are someone who is experiencing sadness.
• Can you sit with your feelings for a couple of minutes? Or even seconds? Notice what you're feeling in your body and what thoughts come up without judgement. What does it feel like to ride the wave of your emotions and let it ebb and flow? Feelings never last forever.
• Can you express what you're feeling? Any form of expression, whether it's writing or dancing or singing or talking, is helpful and you can find something that works for you.
• Tell yourself that what you're feeling is OK, normal, and valid and that it will pass.

All of this takes practice. The more frequently you can name, sit with, and express your feelings, the easier it will become. Feeling your feelings allows you to move through them and ultimately will make them easier to tolerate. Remember, whatever you are feeling is OK!

Elisa Gores, Twig's in-house Reproductive Counsellor, is a Registered Social Worker with the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers (OCSWSSW). Elisa is also a trained relationship and sex therapist. If you would like to meet with her to discuss any of these issues, you can book a counselling session here.